When change becomes certainty

The year was 2016 and that was the year that changed everything for me. When change is coming, you are either prepared because you initiated it or you are not. I wasn’t prepared for this change. The year before I separated from a long term relationship, moved into my own apartment, changed job after many years in the same company. The new job came with more responsibility and was more time consuming than I thought it would be. Stress started building up and reached a point in February 2016 where my body signaled ENOUGH. STOP. PAUSE. Until here and not further. My body set a boundary that I wasn’t able to put for myself. Because one day, I had a panik attack at work. Something that I never had experienced before. I went outside to get fresh air that sunny winter day. On the way tears were dwelling up from within. Everything started accelerating – my thoughts, my walking pace, my breath. After I stopped running, I tried to catch my breath. Suddenly I couldn’t control my breathing as hard as I tried. I was scared – I never had experienced this before. I started walking and an hour later I was at home.

On the next morning I meditated but I could not focus anymore. Thoughts were racing through my mind. I felt anxious. I gave up and checked my phone instead. Because that’s what many of us do, when we need a quick fix. May it be for a momentary distraction or to get a feel good kick. A friend sent me a picture via Instagram. I went to check and noticed another picture in the account. I tapped on it and as soon as I understood what it actually said, I throw my phone out of my hand. It was a reflex on a message I never had experienced before in my life. In this moment I felt the message within me. It resonated on a very deep level. It said the following:

Am I trusting the universe has a plan for me? I do. And back then, I did too. This was the starting point for trust. This deep inner knowing everything will be ok, no matter the circumstances on the outside.

I did not grow up with any religion, so believing in some form of god wasn’t build into my ‘system’. Though I always wondered whether there was more – beyond the world we see with our eyes.

If I would describe the following weeks, I would describe them as an awakening. The world how I knew it, didn’t make sense anymore. I only had operated within the realm of my body and my mind. But I wasn’t that much aware of my soul and what it had to say. I did hear its whispers at times, but now it was screaming at me. And I listened. It introduced me to the invisible world. The world we can’t see with our bare eyes, but sense and feel instead. I started learning about energies and how to sense them. It is about being able to tap into feeling.

Up until this point in my life I would describe myself as a sensitive, but analytical person longing to know how to life a happy life. Because I wasn’t. Happy. How could I? I didn’t have time to balance out the stress I was experiencing. I practiced Yoga and meditation, but that wasn’t enough anymore. Because when you wake up, you start realising what is important in your life or rather what isn’t. You always sensed something wasn’t quite right, but neglected to look at it or couldn’t find a way out of what wasn’t serving you in order to go towards what you really want in life. For me, it was a gradual and long process – one of redefining my values, beliefs and goals I had in life. I started that work with myself some time after my panik attack. I read books or looked up processes on the internet. Partly I was helped by talking to a psychologist about my experiences. I started recovering, but somehow I knew, the world I knew had changed and so had I. How do I fit into this world? What impact do I want to have? On a personal level and professional.

It was an inquiry process in which I found myself. I still can be analytical, though now, I am embracing the sensitive side of me. I am tapping into feeling. Feeling what I need in order to fulfil my hearts longings.

The power of intuition. We all have it – to different degrees we are using it.
It is easy when logic wants to go into the same direction, but as soon as it doesn’t make sense we leave it at that. We don’t trust that hunch anymore. We don’t follow through with the advice, because it means that you actually have to trust. To trust the advice given by your intuition. To allow trust coming forward and to maintain it throughout the process.

Trust changed my life. Away from the endless achieving goals in my profession. Away from the need to exceed results. Away from pure left brain thinking. It wasn’t my choice… The choice was made for me.
I had suppressed other sides of me that wanted to come out. I had suppressed warning signals. I just carried on, because I didn’t know what to change or how to change it. Until that day in February 2016. The doctor said it wasn’t unusual to suffer of stress symptoms in my age. I was 34. And I couldn’t work anymore. At least not right now. Change was here and I felt it wasn’t a very convenient one.

At some point, I made the decision to leave my job for good. I had saved some money. I had an idea of becoming a Yoga Teacher. It took me a few months to really land into that decision. Not only would I go somewhere tropical to take the training, I also decided to start traveling afterwards. The idea of traveling on my own was somehow terrifying and excitingly intriguing. I had never traveled by myself for a longer time. I didn’t know where to go but over time, I felt Bali was calling me. I found a Yoga Teacher training, which I applied for. It felt like a huge challenge – physically, mentally and emotionally. And it was. 13 hour-days for three weeks. By Christmas the same year I was finished with the training. I started my travels on a small island called Gili Air next to Bali. I began with starring at the ocean two weeks straight until I felt ready to go somewhere else.

I was supposed to travel for two month. In the end it became five. When I look back to this time of my life I am starting to smile. I will be forever grateful, that the universe put a spoke into my wheel, that my life changed so drastically, even though it was painful. For me, this is where resilience is born and applied, because I started trusting in something bigger. Therefore I dared to follow my heart.

I would have never taken the decision to quit my job and go after my hearts longings if it weren’t for the universal intervention. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to do so, because the dream of traveling and becoming a yoga teacher became first a more tangible dream after my panik attack – during a time of healing, introspection, just being without doing and a time of re-evaluating my true hearts desires.

This blog post covers about 18 month of my journey. I took one step after another and then the next, and the next, and the next… What I am trying to say is: Throughout times of big change, take your time to adapt. To the person you are becoming. It is a process – Trust it.

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  One thought on “When change becomes certainty

  1. Hanna
    April 19, 2020 at 9:59 am

    So beautifully and thoughfully written. The words. The photos. The music…. Magical. Thank you for sharing x


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