Unraveling

Last year, towards the autumn I found a song called ‘Unraveling’ by Frances Cone. It resonated with me – the soft tunes and the lyrics:

Lately she’s stopped travelling
Her heartbeat moved too fast to know
Choked up with miles to go
Over a million signs to blink and let it go

Maybe I’m unraveling
Maybe I’m unraveling slow
Ooo, but it calls me
Ooo, but it calls me to let it go

It has been exactly one year I stopped traveling. And when I say traveling I mean my journeys to other countries that lasted several month. I took my last flight in December to Stockholm and I still don’t feel for boarding a plane anytime in the near future. I am not afraid of COVID-19. I just don’t feel the longing away anymore.

I remember walking through the town of Cusco in Peru last year. It was after my 5-day hike to Machu Picchu, which was quite challenging due to altitude, different temperatures and the distance walked, which was about 95 km. There was this feeling of ‘I am done traveling’. I was done moving around and living out of a backpack. I started longing for a place of my own. The feeling came right in time, as I was about to go home. But where was that?

Home has changed its meaning for me during the last years. In a way I had identified myself too much with my home. A place where I can find peace and rest. Especially after my burn-out phase in 2016. My home had offered me not only shelter and security. It offered me presence and pleasure. Visually. I love interior design and can feel deeply the vibes that are emanating from a place. My flat was decorated according to my needs and by doing so it had the ability to hold space for me. Like a cocoon. To heal, until I was ready to face the world again. And when I was ready, I started traveling.

The year after, I made the decision to sell my belongings and so it came the moment when I stood there the last time. Taking it all in – the empty walls were still holding me gently. I thought it would never come to this point where I would let it go. Never is a word that I started using less ever since.

Back to last year, somehow I was gravitating towards a place where I could just be. Having my own space, cooking my own food. I landed in Berlin. My family is roughly from that area and it came to be that I spent a few month with them. When would that ever happen again? I saw it as chance after moving away to Stockholm 13 years earlier. But living with ones family when you are grown up, is a totally different story and deserves a chapter of its own.

Maybe I’m unraveling slow

I had a tough time. I had a lot of things to process. Stronger than ever before, I didn’t feel a sense of belonging, purpose nor fulfilment. I had not much physical strength left. My mental health started declining and I wondered how this will end. It might end. Because I couldn’t see how I will make it. To a life that is fullfilling, meaningful and worth thriving. I only knew how to survive, but not how to thrive anymore.

A life worth thriving – what does it mean? For me it means to flow, to live in one’s full potential and in alignment with ones values and priorities. To feel belonging. To feel connection. To have a purpose. To be of service.

After I came back from my three month trip to Central- and South America it didn’t feel like thriving. During my travels, it did. Though it was challenging, I actually lived a life worth thriving. I experienced the things I set out to experience. I discovered new potentials within myself. Felt confirmation internally for my ideas. Practically I started creating this blog. A lot of growth (one of my values) happened and I was ready to settle down in one place. To stop moving. To integrate. My priorities had changed. And so did someone else’s… I was in a relationship when I left to travel. A few weeks in, he went quiet on me – some people also use the term ghosting… I never heard back from him during this trip. Another chapter of its own. Another container of emotions thrown into the mix.

I went there to collect my things. I could acknowledge his view. But I knew I deserved better. As a friend expressed it: “Someone who can meet you half way.” For me it was the continuation of a deeper journey. A journey that had started long ago: The journey of Self-Love including all its lessons. Boundaries – one of the toughest ones, came to teach me what needed to be learned. And still I am. The amount and intensity of situations the universe is still throwing at me at times regarding boundaries and honouring my own needs, is quite ‘amazing’. For example, at times it felt not like the right thing to do, to disconnect from other people. It wasn’t until recently I understood, it is part of my healing journey. To be in solitude for a while – however long that may take. To be by myself. To take care of myself in a very grounding way. To integrate my experiences on my own terms. To get quiet and still enough to listen, but not too spaced out so I would loose touch to the outside world. Navigating this became essential.

Deep in the shadows…

What happens when you become quiet? Either you feel content with what you ‘hear’ or you feel a lot of different tones. In my case sadness, emptiness, loneliness and also confusion about the future. Faith was left behind somewhere. I felt I had nothing to give. It was when the ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ appeared, that I made a vow. To move forward on my path as I had done so in the past, even if I didn’t understand how and to trust again, that the way would be shown. To have a little more patience despite the time I had already been waiting. Waiting for answers, the next action step, some kind of impulse or inspiration for a new direction in my life. 

The answers came and they are still coming. In their own time. Without me controlling anything anymore. I am waiting and listening for the next step to be revealed.

I believe in the good things coming…

Looking back, I see I needed to face the deepest parts of myself. To meet my wounds, shadows, insecurities and limiting beliefs. It is a work in progress. The work is hard, but inescapable. There comes always the point, where you will have to make a decision – To stay who and where you are or to move on. To let go. To forgive. Including yourself. 

Why I am writing this?
I know I am not alone. Many people go through difficulties in their lives, not opening up about how they feel. Not feeling they can talk about their feelings. There might be a fear of not being accepted etc. Vulnerability is one key. I am learning to be vulnerable. Sharing my story is one way of learning and growing.

Take care of yourself.

P.S.: I want to leave you with a loving- kindness meditation.

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To practice loving-kindness meditation, sit in a comfortable and relaxed manner. Take two or three deep breaths with slow, long and complete exhalations. Let go of any concerns or preoccupations. For a few minutes, feel or imagine the breath moving through the center of your chest – in the area of your heart.

Metta is first practiced toward oneself, since we often have difficulty loving others without first loving ourselves. Sitting quietly, mentally repeat, slowly and steadily, the following or similar phrases:

May I be happy.
May I be well.
May I be safe.
May I be peaceful and at ease.

While you say these phrases, allow yourself to sink into the intentions they express. Loving-kindness meditation consists primarily of connecting to the intention of wishing ourselves or others happiness. 

After a period of directing loving-kindness toward yourself, bring to mind a friend or someone in your life who has deeply cared for you. Then slowly repeat phrases of loving-kindness toward them.

Brief Instructions from: https://www.mettainstitute.org/mettameditation.html

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